fulgent retrospective; stained headache, realization.
please take care of yourselves everyone, this one is going to sound a bit distant with lots of things which won't make much sense like some of my other "word salad" esque posts...please take care of yourself, warning for everything!
The closest thing to murder for me, besides murder would be, "that." I never thought about the west coast, ever. Not...ever.
I went on, and on, and on.
For me, there are no plans for the west coast.
For someone else, I just remembered everything and it hit me all at once, 1:33 in the morning.
In a rather pitiful state...I will state that I did...maybe...kind of! fall to the floor and cry quite badly onto my clothes in my closet.
...
It's why I have always enjoyed writing.
Before I say anything, allow me to say this: Right here, right now, this is something that I am immensely proud of myself for living, as the majority of my life on the internet and outside of myself are so distant, I am now finally being able to feel.
I am grateful to myself...It's just the one thing that certainly "sucks?" about it is the fact that everything....everything is felt at once, or in bursts.
I just had a panging in my head just now, an email which was sent to me, which spiraled into a different one, which opened up the gateway of remembrance again, and again.
I can move, feel myself, I can't do everything, but that is okay. What is important is that I can feel, something, or anything.
It's been an underlying theme throughout this blog for a while now.
Tonight just pushed me further along, and I am so happy!
Even my cat agrees, she says "Yeah victoria seems so happy despite her face saying otherwise."
As they say, it truly is on the inside which counts!
Ah but I planned all of this anyways, as I knew that as I made a concentrated effort towards anything and everything, that this would happen.
It starts with me rolling my head back and getting blinded by something fulgent, almost like I can hear reflected glass and the seaside and islands which always permeated my life.
It's almost like I can imagine it.
So...I can feel something, this is great, I can let it hit me, and I can let everything that happened to me hit me at once as I push and fight forward and climb up. It hurts, it hurts so so badly, hurts more than I can even imagine, but my goodness does it feel good all the same! It feels so so so good...?
I believe it does, because if everything was so cloudy my whole life, then here I am now.
Let's pull it back a little.
I will never think of the West Coast, because I will always think of the West Coast.
What did La Dispute say in "Edit Your Hometown" again?
...
Well, this isn't my hometown, but my actual hometown remains unedited, my old house still stands, trapped in a fata morgana within my head. The way long term memory works and the recollection process works seems to state that with each "Recall" the memory warps just a little, that is without picture evidence, video evidence, or anything like it. That is just a theory of course, and people have different memory techniques, cognitive imaging levels, and thought processes.
As for me, I would say memories remain mostly the same and unembellished.
I believe this will be another "word salads" post similar to those ones about ceilings and bedsheets, or ones from around 2023.
I will begin.
But first, did you know the album "wildlife" by la dispute was released on October 4th 2011? It was released on Umineko day AND my birthday...okay wow, so cool. I believe 2011 was also the year right around when I was living with my mom at her worst.
Nevertheless, let me begin -
song of the night: "a Departure - La Dispute"
"To scratched out, for everything"
(small edit made to one of La dispute's artworks)
The opening to Wildlife, and also while I am here, I would like to highly recommend a Zine created by Adam Vass of La Dispute. It was made back in 2022 to commemorate Wildlife's 10 year anniversary! I hope to play it with someone someday, it seems like a fun concept.
If anyone likes storytelling games, or La Dispute, I suggest checking it out here.
I really like this concept, also Adam Vass is the bassist, I never knew they had their own tabletop company...but it is so cool! Lots of fun stuff on that website too. ^ _ ^ wahoo!
Now lets begin...for real! third times the charm!
Understanding Pale Geometry
Okay, let me do this again.
I just need to rip the wires apart...and twist them into something new...kind of like creating an ethernet cable!! That isn't hard!
West Coast
Now I will state again. For myself, my only interests in the West Coast of the U.S would be sightseeing, all these mentions of it have nothing to do with any of my personal interests of the West Coast, but instead what interests others had in it.
Let me retread the tale with those wires cut, uncrossed, and unclean. Allow me to tear through its stomach and find a missing piece.
This word salad is not about the west coast however.
This one is about trying to understand geometry.
Trying to make sense of the house I could say I grew up in. This goes to the one house that became a constant, when there wasn't any. This is to remembering its layout, its features, its smells, its everything. This is to the air conditioning unit I would play with and listen to the oscillation after playing piano, this is to its walls which I once stained with marks, and the floors I once stained with blood.
This is to the separate world that the garage was, a luxury I didn't even know existed back then. This is to the the shoddy garden table, and its wobbly legs. This is to the cuts in the screen fence, this is to bird watching in the backyard, this is to the days we painted together in the morning, this is to the rigidity of my memory, this is to the late night emergency broadcasts, gluing myself to the couch to ground myself, this is to an empty, quiet house, this is to the hospital visits and intersection of my online history, this is to the times I got hurt on the pavement, only to get patched up, this is to my swimming lessons, this is to my imaginary friends I always spoke to, and still do, this is to the many many days and nights I spent swimming alone with them, having fun. It is not truly being alone if you have yourself.
Even if I may feel what I can describe as loneliness, I am not lonely, as I have myself and all my plushies.
This is to the smell of fresh baked cookies, club crackers, and biting into megablocks, this is to that summer camp I had, this is to my room, and its bizarre layout, this is to the distant between everything, this is to Windows Vista, this is to the pantry and its endless shelves, this is to boxes and toys, this is to a house filled with sunlight, and the girl who survived it:
me.
I will return to that house, I promised it long ago.
I will say my goodbyes.
I will do it together with someone I trust, and I know who that person is.
I will define its geometry, once and for all.
In my head it is vast, endless; akin to an empty prison, or perhaps given my free will it was like a bird cage. One which I would still refer to as a prison most likely, for as dramatic and hyperbolic as it is, if one were to see what it was like, it may make sense.
On the other side of the coin, the house is endless, the walls are tall, the windows are plenty, it is cluttered, there is so much space and yet so much was blocked off, there was a toy train set and a giant pirate ship. How many years has it been now?
My goodness...7 years? Oh wow hehe.
I don't know if it'll look the same, but at least I can have that safety, that warmth, that security, that I will return to that place with someone I trust someday.
There were some expeditions that were attempted to be planned at some point, but, even though a complete and true understanding has not been reached yet, at least for me, I believe it may be with enough effort, if it is wanted. I would never force it upon anyone. Even without a full and complete true understanding, I will return there, It is some ...thing I have set in my head anyways. I just don't want to force anyone to "understand." (ah and again everyone sorry if this comes off as...whiny? I am unsure how it comes off but to me understanding is...it's something cosmic? err..? it's...well I mean it depends on one person's traumas I think, or life experience..meow!)
Nonetheless, I will remember that house and the many more memories I must plant there, in order to blossom the goodwill onto the property.
And I do pardon how presumptuous this all may sound. Please do keep in mind that if it is not wanted I can also absolutely return to that place alone as well, but I am speaking to myself now.
Time to drift onward to the next topic.
Realizing What Is Closest to Murder
Of course that is the west coast for me.
...
okay pardon me!!! When I get like this I have to speak with distance and a universal meter.
What did la dispute say? "we were barely 20 then."
mm...I mean I already feel better now from the very beginning of the blog but it looks like it finally happened. Someone else..made it. I'm so happy for that person, even if some of this may sound bitter...
What life to be found amongst trees and the seaside, even in a supposed terminal illness? Well...you finally broke free. You may finally be able to approach feeling too.
I wouldn't say I hold this person in my heart per se, but it would be rude not to keep it near in some capacity considering the time spent begging myself for any sort of escape back then.
Still, this almost certainly may finally give way for...well I wouldn't want to speak too much on his behalf, it would be rude, even if my whole story was so intrinsically interwoven for everything.
This hope still remains, even scattered.
Let me move away from that,
"Seeking the light that brightened the middle of the night, I connect to the electric world."
(oh how knowing the lyrics changes everything)
(and understanding)
As I get ready to close my eyes, I remember 3 years prior again.
I then remember what I told myself, and have brought up in this blog.
And that is how a month can be a year, a day can be a lifetime, a minute can last forever.
And...I woke up ready for something new back then, life was anything but achromatic. I did not expect color and color and color. There is such a thing as too vivid, or with too much contrast. It was not like that either.
I was playing a newly released game, one called Project Sekai.
I was enjoying myself.
For so many reasons.
I then cut it all off at some point.
..and then I brought it back.
I was better than I ever was, and I was enjoying myself so much more.
And I still am...
It's separate, I even deleted my account from back then, my account which had sooooo much! I didn't mind it at all though; begin anew.
It may just be a game but to me it was powerful. It was post Lovelive, Bangdream, everything. I never got into those two, but all my friends were.
I did have a game of my own, one with a story which did matter. (even with the usual gacha fluff) It grew even beyond that scope, to a point which it was monumental.
The ending was too, but so was the rebirth.
...hehe, looks like Miku's music touched my heart too!
Facing the fear and breaking the cycle, always and forever.
A sweet, sweet memory.
Take care of yourselves, everyone!
- Victoria, C.B.I