Dreams of the Island
(mentions of suicide, and ideation, please take care of yourselves! Spoilers episode 4 of Umineko)
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I'm now on Episode 6 of Umineko, and am most likely going to do a reread of Episodes 1-4 by the end of Episode 6 so I can attempt to solve the mysteries.
However, one line in Episode 4 stuck out to me above many other.
Thus far, Episode 4 has been my favorite. It made me cry so so much, it was a unique shakeup, and it sets the stage for the whole second half of the game wonderfully. However, long hair Beatrice (me) is really awesome in the Answer Arcs.
This quote, from Ange...it really, really hit me.
When I was still living in passive ideation everyday, I would always toy with the idea of going to this island I dreamnt of as an escape, and dying there. I always, for some foolish reason, had a "plan." I never would have fully committed, absolutely not, but there was always that ideation which clouded my life.
There was always a story I kept penning when my own life frustrated me. I did not show it outwardly, but it hurt. My solace was at that pier which had the island at the edge of it.
This also kind of has ties to Umineko...as I started Umineko back in 2022..it's been a bit of time since then but it was 2023 when I made it to the island I've talked about so oft in this blog.
It was also when I realized just how strong I could be, and how I know for a fact I can make "magic" happen if I truly believed. And it worked! I made it to the island...through sheer luck and kayaking prowess.
When the water was still, I remembered that too.
That is not what this story is about, as it has been talked about on here.
This story is about how I truly felt.
Originally my best friend at the time was supposed to go with me. I had so many plans to do it alone. I knew he wasn't entirely fond of water, so I knew he would most likely say no, so my mind was almost subconsciously planning a spot for me to be "alone."
I ended up getting an o,d coworker to come with me though.
When I made it to the island, it felt monumental, powerful. For years, I wondered what it would have been like to set foot on there, what it would have been like to have friends and sit on the pier together, or to reach out towards the island.
Suffice to say, the story I was writing was my own at the time, and I knew it. I spoke about it to a friend and acknowledged how it clearly was a self insert.
Nevertheless...I felt the ground, the crunching of fallen leaves, the remains of those who passed by, or camped out.
A storm was due to that day, and rain it did.
It blanketed the Gulf in this whimsical grey overcast.
My goodness...it truly became...The Witch's Island at that point!
okay just kidding about that part.
But I still had plans. I burned through images telling myself over and over it was to say goodbye and move forward, and it was, but I struggled to believe myself as I still fought with everything.
I fought with myself, with how to keep living, with what to do. I was so..so empty.
In spite of the murders which happened around me, and everything else that happened earlier that year, I just felt like I was a foggy window.
I knew I wanted to fight fight fight and keep fighting...I knew I just had to keep holding on and on.
But I still had a weakness of sorts.
I never would have done anything still, but it was on that island I gathered the true strength to keep fighting.
I felt the power of being bale to say no to someone for one of the first times, something I always am getting better at.
However I think one other, crucially pivotal moment was the conversation I had with my old coworker.
After she finished setting up these mosquito proof hammocks, we sat and talked over some light snacks. It was done she felt comfortable enough to tell me the story of her previous fiance, and what happened to him. I won't give away too many details to respect her and him, but he ended his own life in front of her.
That...that was a lot. That was a best friend, her partner, gone.
I made sure to listen to her attentively, ensured I understood the weight of her telling the story.
There are no platitudes for a topic like that, but just simple understanding. Her outlook was immensely positive though, it mirrored my outward one, as I always told people to keep fighting, I was always the mom of the group. I was always the one getting hurt, getting torn apart, getting taken advantage of, I always was the one who was "used up," even though I didn't complain.
Of course for as much as I fought, it did feel disparagingly empty at times, even if I couldn't feel much, I still felt.
I was even more tired at that point as there was so much going on and I was just starting to realize feeling, and how...mm, "The Sun - Tiger's Jaw."
"What about your friends, do they make you happy?"
They did not...that is how to describe it. It was the echo chamber of never growing, never learning, never "seeing" the light. It was without love.
I had my silly little "CBI" thing, but it was after that island it became extra serious. It was when "CBI 2" became a reality, and its focus shifted to mutual aid, including myself.
I am always prone to being a more lonesome girl these days, even if I am surrounded by so many people, I believe this is integral to my goals in life and so far it has proven well in a multitude of ways.
Something else was important that day.
My friend/old coworker said that her fiance's family was going to be visiting too, coming to the island.
Right before it started to rain, I sequestered myself off to a bright and pretty spot by some mangroves at the end of the island, facing the pier. I set out a picnic blanket just for me. There was a clearing among the canopy of trees, and I gazed at some birds above me.
I brought my gavel with me, a "Sacred" object.
It was right around then that the family arrived.
It was his parents, and their other son.
Truth be told...even if I didn't think of it much then, it of course spoke to me.
There it was...this pretty, angelic family, still alive, still functioning even after something as unforgettable as a suicide.
They were laughing, smiling, happy to see my friend again.
They brought a cute chubby dog too, he really liked me haha, he couldn't swim very well so he uhm..kind of literally walked all over me and pushed me into the water. silly puppy!
The brother went out to fish and I remember some big fish showing up for just a second before disappearing.
All in all it was nice to meet them, nice to see a family still alive and here after everything.
I always knew it was true, I always gave other people the courage, and myself, but it was never wholly for myself.
In a way...seeing how someone, or some family, or how many people miss someone, while my own family was going through premature deaths, it spoke to me.
Like others, I imagined what it would have been like without me, and even if I didn't have many people in my life, there was still the emptiness people would have felt. Namely, my biggest concern was still that of others...
The people I helped out who got to keep living, who didn't give up, who were so so so so so close. We bonded together over it all, people over the years. I just, could not, ever have that happen to someone I know.
My resolve was already going to be strengthened after the island, but that settled it...
I would keep fighting.
And here I am today!
Stronger than ever and moving towards feeling..I think it's starting to take a more definitive shape.
My headspace is much less blocked by an interminable wall, and as I surmised from my 2025 playlist, I indeed scaled the walls of my rosy heart.
I am unsure what my 2026 playlist will be, but each year is a promise, and it always comes true. Some may sound negative or bad, but the outcome is always positive.
I am here to fight for myself and others, to continue to do so, for as long as I can.
So, I will dream of that island from time to time as I already do, and smile.
Take care of yourselves,
- Victoria
(my Umineko bed <3, had these sheets for a while, finally put them on)
(also fret not everyone! I was not torturing my cat for fun, she literally would not move as I was making these sheets...I tried to move her! she wouldn't hehe.)
Sadie: I was comfy, that's why.