Understanding Harsh Metal; How the Air Invoked Atonement
(I advise caution for those who read this one like the others! This one may just feel weird overall, but fret not everyone! I am okay as always, just extremely tired, it's late and I was drifting in and out of microsleep I kept getting assailed with more memories that were locked behind no feeling. Nevertheless, this is another one about hope, and delving into my head to remember, for a purpose!)
concept of the locket.
half awake, dead tired, eyes, half asleep?
tried to sleep...remembered...out of every place, it somehow lead back to that one spot ...?
coincidence....
gone...
Tried to close my eyes again but uhm....I saw a vision of snow, like a rapture or..a pool of . ?
i have a fascination for the taste of metal..i want it in my mouth, always.
and..
drifting super duper far? magma wrought upon...another nightmare?
uh huh...
house was quiet and still, it was fresh, like springtime, it was January. The linen was faint, old, and quite coarse, all familiar, all a comfort. Okay, replay...yes...vcr...chipped wood, holes in the wall, dents all along the wardrobe, yes you can remember it...uh huh...
it 3:59am. right now.
but..
remembering...
i can't remember? i can...
like a ritual...
pink window shades?
a dull pink? or a magenta?
it was the taste of buttery smooth club crackers, it was nothing at all...
a reflection of a pool?
someone approaching...cannot stay awake much longer.
thought maybe...it was broken, maybe? broken or..scratched or...
it's endless, and it's forever, and it's metal.
kept the locket, but threw it away also.
another scene; begin anew:
flash forward, passenger seat, old crown victoria cruiser, hand signs, waving through the air..mhm...finally thought, maybe once...but thought too soon...
like the waves battering the seawall, i can imagine it...like poison, or bile.........................................?
mhm...
for once in my life, i want permanence....please?
the plea does not fall on deaf ears, but nevertheless the battle remains, every warship a memory, each one commanded by ...o0ld arcade.
old ticket based arcade, draws in crowds...still
remember...
im crying just thinking about it, over and over and over....i can't even see what I'm typing because of it hehe. it felt too real, too alive in that place...why was it so far away? so distant......the only arcade of its kind in that place, it drew in crowds from everywhere. someone's house was right next to it, sleptover, woke up, won the jackpot twice, walked back, i think the floors were made of that soft soft carpet, the place was big too, i had my 10th birthday there, the double digits, or the birthday which made them ...?
scratched out.
on one night, a prayer to the moon, a prayer for my mom to be nice to me, a long long time ago...when she wasn't nice it would make me really sad, it's why my 10th birthday, I acted out so badly, i don't think she was even there though...maybe I wanted her to be, maybe not? i don't quite recall?
but that same arcade always made sense, it probably does to this day, locally owned since the 80s, its location has stood tall whereas its surroundings have always been at odds with its stature forever.
it was where the local kids went if you had money. In retrospect, it wasn't, and to my knowledge still is, not entirely expensive. I mean...I never had money to go there, I know I dreamed of it but how could I have communicated that when my dad was never ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever...there?
i could not have...?
my mind was like the paintings she left, i could go anywhere ...if i thought about not being there i could have gone anywhere.
carry it away.
like on some forgotten mountaintop somewhere?
somewhere when my hands don't move.
couldn't ever....?
tired......
uhmz they had doodle jump that game is always awesome. . . . . . . . hahaha, 1 trilion. billion. tickets. blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how many falsities blanketed in...naptime?
sleep?
! no !
not yet...i'm extracting more memories, my list?
mhm...never knew what was in that closet, it was huge, my head kind of hurts, ? but this time of year is always difficult for me.
for a lot of people, and that is okay.
well though...i remember something else. it was a midwest emo and folk punk playlist, an old friend who showed the genre to me, showed me ajj songs, said they reminded him of me, said other songs were like that too. that came back to me too like crystals and "American Football."
three lights, like lamps in the dark. buzzing...quiet...closed.
it'stime to end this word salad for meow, 4:52 AM.
Please take care of yourselves, everyone! sorry this one may seem dour, but do not interpret is as such, as the message is to keep going, I'm pushing the limits of my memory and feeling so I can finally close a lifelong gap with everything, to attain that renewed sense of self preservation and to truly take care of myself as opposed to just others.
- Victoria